Rescued. Redeemed. and Restored.

Tiny boat, BIG ocean….

These days I feel like a tiny boat swaying in the midst of a tumultuous ocean. I am overcome by gigantic, unleashed waves…stability seems foreign and uncertainty’s my comfort…I feel too small, too insignificant, too weak.
Wave one took me by surprise, couldn’t see it coming in the distance…but it served as a warning…I needed to prepare, to be alert for the coming wave, but that too caught me off guard. I questioned and evaluated how I could have ever missed the anticipation of it’s arrival…one can never be too ready, never too aware….

But I can be too confident, I can be at peace…As I am tossed and thrown in weariness, there comes a steadiness, a security…a sign of safety, a sign of hope…

Psalm 89:9

Shake it Out.

But I like to keep some things to myself

I like to keep my issues drawn

It’s always darkest before the dawn

And I’ve been fool and I’ve been blind

I can never leave the past behind

I can see no way, I can see no way

I’m always dragging that horse around

All of his questions, such a mournful sound

Tonight I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground’

Cause I like to keep my issues drawn

It’s always darkest before the dawn

it out, shake it out Shake it out, shake it out, oh whoa

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back

So shake him off, oh whoa.

                I’ve listened to this song at least 100 times since I first discovered it a couple months ago, but this morning as I heard it with what I like to call a different ear, it put unspoken words into perspective. Last night at church I was challenged in prayer and in surrendering what to me is the devil on my back. I always joke with a friend how this song can be translated into some crazy worship anthem about the things we need to shake off. And for the first time, I’m not head-back-laughing at the idea, because as I try to process and experience surrender, the act of “shaking the devil off my back” has never sounded better. That devil on my back has been one of many things. Its guilt, its shame, it’s the lie that I am a burden and it’s my frustration at my inability to express what I want and who I am because of all those lies. The biggest thing weighing on my back is my inability to be honest,  the lie that repeats itself in my head  telling me that I need to keep stuff to myself, even though I’m not strong enough to overcome all this alone.  I’m sure I rant about this all the time. But it’s true. It has been a slow unstable journey as I walk away from lies and into freedom and redemption, but what I once saw as scary and almost impossible, is, in some way, taking the form of a small, weak, but victorious dance. The act of shaking off whatever it is that I feel is holding me back is something that I find myself in the midst of. Singing against and stomping on fear, but rejoicing in and dancing in freedom, that I cannot quite put into words. When God is added into the equation of everything I am, I have nothing left to do than surrender in brokenness and yes even confusion, but confident in his love that longs to restore and complete me! The things that I keep to myself, the aftermath of my past, that horse the songs talks about, those things I drag around, out of the trust I have for God and what He is doing (despite my inability to understand),  I shake em off! It IS hard to dance with “the devil” on your back, almost impossible to do so. But my longing for freedom is greater than whatever fear I have, my LOVE for my Heavenly Father is greater than any lie, doubt, or lacking on my part. Plus I’ve got nothing to lose, so why not shake it off?! Nothing to lose, just freedom to gain, and at this point in the race, that, to me, is the whole world!! :D

Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead

Philippians 3:13 

Claiming Victory….

Claiming Victory on crappy days like the ones I’ve been having in the course of the last month is harder than I thought. My heart knows and delights in God’s goodness and faithfulness, qualities that I never doubt or call into question. But it doesn’t stop a part of me, the fickle, dull part of me, to ask questions like “Why, Lord”, and “what are you trying to show me through it all”? It’s times like these that I wish life were a lot simpler or that the childhood respond arises and makes me wish that I could somehow become a super hero that could fix, mend, and alter life and all its obstacles. But in times like these I have to feed my soul with truths that remind me that God will never leave me nor forsake me, that He is my provider and that He makes all things work together for my good. My mind can go in circles, loops and summersaults thinking of ways in which I can help improve not just my own life but that of my family’s. But no matter how strong I think I am or whatever plans I make, they just don’t cut it, because just like that past couple of days, my plans are crappy! I have not the skill, will, the patience nor the power to change whatever things come throughout my days. It all goes back to surrendering to God, hoping and waiting for Him to be everything that we cannot be. And so I wait, and I take heart, with the sure confidence that God is active and He is at work. And though my current circumstances don’t show it, the Lord is preparing some amazing way to strengthen my trust in Him and to draw me closer to Him. And so tonight as I sleep, yes I am laying in a bed, but also in His grace that forgives my sometimes unbelieving heart and resting not on a pillow but on the Lord who, in response to the love He has for me, is going to come through :)

Cause When you’re Fifteen….

Recently a friend shared how, on the eve of his 40th birthday, he tapped into a time capsule that he had created about 18 years ago. In it he recorded both what he and his family pictured his life to be like today. Predictions of all sorts were made for his life, some of which have come true and some which have yet to, but as he shared his excitement behind unraveling his time capsule, I was motivated to make one of my own! Not because of anything other than because as a person I feel like I’m constantly evolving under the grace of God.

                Today we had the privilege of joining one of the girls from the youth group I volunteer at as she celebrated her quincenera. Fifteen was five years ago for me, which when measured in time, is not all that long ago, but as I think about who I was at fifteen and who I am now, I can’t help but notice the huge difference on my perspective on life then and what I thought about and wanted. As we watched the beautiful birthday girl walk down the aisle of the church, my friend leaned over and whispered in my ear how she wished she could have been a part of my own quincenera. My instinct response was no!  When I think about it, there’s a little bit of shame that stirs up in me when I think about 15 year old Sheila.  A part of me is grateful that the people that love and care for me now knew little or nothing about her. 15 was a very pivotal age. It was the year of the aftermath. It was the year after what seemed like a lifetime of brokenness and shame. Fourteen was meant to be the year in where I healed and recovered, but I waited for healing to come, like a kid waits for daddy after a long day, but disappointingly never shows up. At fifteen I was tired, a wounded soldier, that quite honestly, simply wanted to quit. Burdened I walked into fifteen, and honestly, stayed in that mode for several years after. Little hope I knew, and God, though I loved Him wholeheartedly, seemed more distant than ever. I was covered in shame and was drowning in guilt. Seeing pictures of that birthday, of that year, I see it hidden under slanted smiles and squinty eyes. As I watched the birthday girl today walk down the aisle, my prayer and hope for her was that she would deeply and wholeheartedly understand the love and grace of God, because if I had known that at fifteen, my life, my choices would have been a lot different. I let my past mold my life and my response to it for so many years, and today in that church, I felt remorseful and bitter at myself for allowing that to happen. But when I turn my gaze towards God, it only makes me fall deeper in love with Him because what I know to be true of Him has changed me from that lifeless fifteen year old Sheila, to one who confidently walks towards the Lord. I no longer feel covered in shame and guilt the way I once did, and in the days in when I do, I simply dive into the love of Christ which wipes it all away, slowly but oh so surely. Today was tough. As I changed into my dress for tonight, I felt nothing close to pretty as memories of the past surfaced and quickly stole what little self-confidence I had woken up with. Its days like today that escaping it all doesn’t sound too bad. But its days like today, after accepting grace in all its wonder, that I can simply let it go because there is hope, hope that brings healing and something to look for.

And so making this time capsule would be only to remind future Sheila of who she was, but of who she has overcome and grown out of with the help of God. Funny though, because, today I feel more fifteen than I ever did when I was actually fifteen. But it comes with freedom in Christ, which at fifteen felt unattainable. And there is tons of more healing to do, but the more it comes, the more free and at peace I feel. So today as I watched the beautiful birthday girl walk down the aisle, yes there was pain and a little bit of guilt that clouded my heart, but there was joy, so much joy because pained and guilty is not who I have to be and I can press onward and leave hindrances aside. And when that seems impossible, I look to God, who sees me as everyone saw the birthday girl today; impeccably beautiful and complete :D

Days/This Time Tomorrow…

As i turn 20 and as i meditate on life, this song kind of puts my thoughts together. Of course not accuratly, but i walk into my 20s happily and very content!

Day/This Time Tomorrow Mumford and Sons :D

Thank you for the days,
Those endless days, those sacred days you gave me.
I’m thinking of the days,
I won’t forget a single day, believe me.

I bless the light,
I bless the light that lights on you believe me.
And though you’re gone,
You’re with me every single day, believe me.

Days I’ll remember all my life,
Days when you can’t see wrong from right.
You took my life,
But then I knew that very soon you’d leave me,
But it’s all right,
Now I’m not frightened of this world, believe me.

I wish today could be tomorrow,
The night is dark,
It just brings sorrow, let it wait.

Thank you for the days,
Those endless days, those sacred days you gave me.
I’m thinking of the days,
I won’t forget a single day, believe me.

Days I’ll remember all my life,
Days when you can’t see wrong from right.
You took my life,
But then I knew that very soon you’d leave me,
But it’s all right,
Now I’m not frightened of this world, believe me.
Days.

Thank you for the days,
Those endless days, those sacred days you gave me.
I’m thinking of the days,
I won’t forget a single day, believe me.

I bless the light,
I bless the light that shines on you believe me.
And though you’re gone,
You’re with me every single day, believe me.
Days.

This time tomorrow where will we be
On a spaceship somewhere sailing across an empty sea
This time tomorrow what will we know
Well we still be here watching an in-flight movie show
I’ll leave the sun behind me and watch the clouds as they sadly pass me by
Seven miles below ma I can see the world and it ain’t so big at all
This time tomorrow what will we see
Field full of houses, endless rows of crowded streets
I don’t where I’m going, I don’t want to see
I feel the world below me looking up at me
Leave the sun behind me, and watch the clouds as they sadly pass me by
And I’m in perpetual motion and the world below doesn’t matter much to me
This time tomorrow where will we be
On a spaceship somewhere sailing across any empty sea
This time tomorrow, this time tomorrow